Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
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Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!