Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
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It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
what kind of cook setting is this??
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Jesus Christ lmao
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
The three genders
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
🚲+physics = winner
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Bobby pin
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I need a headline like this
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.