Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan