Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

neighborhood watch

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play