* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
When he asks for feet pics
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
*jingles half the way*
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.