Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃