Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*