Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
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The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
