Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

Life cycle of cat