Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
That’s amazing.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis