dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
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Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.