Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Breaking news:

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

Name another movie that mislead you?

for all #parents out there

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this