Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots