Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

superman landing like a plane on his belly

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.