Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

so much to do

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*