Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
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The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Holy moly
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Jesus Christ lmao
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”