Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
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Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
