Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

I love it

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.