Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
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Hard not to take this personally
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight