Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.