Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

same energy

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?