Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

Always a metermaid never a meter

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics