Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right