Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.