Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

I feel attacked.

I’m calling the cops.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in