Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ