Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine