Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
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If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
