Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
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Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders