Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it