Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

i will avenge u mr van gogh

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

You know that person who shoves scared skydivers out of the plane? I think i’d like that job

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.