Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Living the best life.. 😊

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

prepare for carbonated trouble

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.