Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

saw this in a dream

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.