Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

We need more people like this.

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

I don’t think my car can fly

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.