Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

How tf did it end up there?

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

Look, a pure bread cat!

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”