DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
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Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Important reminders
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
oh you wanna fight?!
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.