Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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3.
4.
5.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.