Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
concern
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Swedish for common sense.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts