Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head