Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?