dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
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Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …