dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Sign at work today