Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
You Might Also Like
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Me sliding into hell like
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats