Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..