Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?