Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Clients after you give them your rates

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

Called it

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Not recommended for beginners.

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.