Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
normalize having existential bread