Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch