dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
no one likes gloating