Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

79.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

I’m already scared

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.