Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
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Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
As a doctor, I can confirm
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
