@daemonic3

dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions

me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs

dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth

[later]

dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that

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@stevevsninjas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
*sees several cars pull up to neighbor”s house*
No, littler.

@ObscureGent

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

@tpurvis06

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

@FredTaming

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

@MechaDenny

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

@shrimple_

me: *tossing and catching a baby*

her: OMG PUT HIM DOWN

me: stupid ugly baby

@bobvulfov

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

@tiemoose

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

@Sanbel11

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

@NoogsCorner

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?