“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
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[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
*aggressively waits in line*
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
this is me
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing