Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
*sees several cars pull up to neighbor”s house*
dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions
me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs
dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth
dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
me: *tossing and catching a baby*
her: OMG PUT HIM DOWN
me: stupid ugly baby
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?