Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”