Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

How funny!

I unironically love this joke.

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.