Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!