dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
the red hot silly peppers
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
sry
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
