Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.