dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
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Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
You can’t rush stupid.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.