Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

SONOFA

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history