Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.