Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

🤣😂🤣😂

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME