Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”