Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Always this one for me forever
Home #decor warning.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once