Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour