DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”