Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

Canadian owl: Eh?

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

I need to get some bricks…

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮