Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.