Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

Saturday

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else