Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

Fidel Castro was alive?

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

Sticker placement is key.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.