dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
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*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
*Inspirational Tweets*
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
how was your vacation
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.