dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
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Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”