Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.