Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
A new level of troll.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Nomnomnomnom
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
You’re never alone. Theres mold
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”