Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
rise and shine we got egg
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.