Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.